Today's featured shit

If an election does not have 50% voter turnout, then they have to have a runoff.

So they are moving our cubes around next month, and because I spent too much time in the office, I will still have a cube, so that plan failed miserably. It’s my own fault, though.

I am going to be next to a conference room that nobody is ever going to use. Thanks to the magic of wireless, I can see myself being in there a lot. So although having a window cube is a high priority for everyone, I am going to get one without even trying by sitting in there.

I also think that is going to be the room where everyone sticks the bring-in stuff, like candy or whatever other food. Unbeatable. I may not lead a charmed life, but I know how to manipulate things so I get what I want. God bless America.

I used to volunteer with this gal at the hospital when we were both in high school. We drifted apart, and then she turned out to be in charge of benefits at my job, so when I was hired, it was a big reunion, and it was funny.

She still works here, but she has moved on to bigger and better things. She’s also pooped out a few kids and gotten married. But whatever. Except!

Guess who I saw smoking out back today when I went for a walk? You just never know. I’d know her 14 years and had no idea. Those poor kids.

Vote yes on 86, dammit!

What a day. We lost 4-2 to a team without a goalie, and I scored my first ever goal.

We only had one extra player, so as the game went on, more people wanted to play defense because they were tired. So I played about a period as a forward. I was in front of the net when we had a shot deflected. It went right to me, and I dumped it in. That made it 3-1 and really got us going. We got another goal to make it 3-2, and then that was it. If we had any depth, we would have won.

Then I went with Patrick to play softball. The team seemed to like having me, even though I was only a designated player. (I use the past tense because their regular season ended yesterday.) I went two-for-three and hit the ball well every time, but that doesn’t explain it sufficiently.

We were down 13-5 in the last inning and scored five runs. The woman that bats in front of me is good and really hot but has no self-image. She kept saying that she hoped the batter in front of her would make the third out so she wouldn’t have to bat. I told her she’d be fine, and she was. Her single loaded the bases.

Those of you who can do math understand already that the winning run was at the plate; he was I, and I was him, Jug with the tilted crown.

Granted, we’re talking rec softball here, but is there a situation in your life that you could want more than to be at the plate with two out, the bases loaded, down by three?

We have a lot of good hitters on the team. A base hit would be just fine, and my swing doesn’t have a lot of lift in it anyway because I use a heavy bat.

Things started off Disney enough. I hit the ball up the middle as hard as I have ever hit one, which says a lot.

But rec softball has 10 players in the field: four outfielders, four infielders, a catcher… and a pitcher’s helper. (You pitch to your own team.)

Yep. He stuck out his glove as a reflex and caught it. I didn’t even have the opportunity to get out of the box. The bat was still in my hands.

Let me give you an idea of the amazingness of this play. The other team apologized. The umpire said he’d never seen anything like it.

Then Patrick and I went to the captain of the hockey team’s house and had dinner. He has a bunch of pinball machines, and I broke one of them. I am good at that too.