Today's featured shit

The phone rang.

I hadn’t heard anything because the matter had been escalated. And it’s all bad. Almost as bad as it could get.

What I mean by that is that I still have a job. At the same pay. Doing the same thing. Other than that, it pretty much went about as badly as it can get.

Why can I not just be left the fuck alone so I can do my job? Is that too much to ask?

I have a cluttered cube. It should surprise no one. Most of the decorations are years old. I am just not really into this sort of thing like I used to be, but if I took them down, I’d have to put them somewhere, and “away” is too abstract of a concept for me. I need to know where “away” is, and I don’t have a clue how to figure that out. So on the wall it stays.

This becomes a bigger issue when we have site cleanup days, because you’d think there’d be a lot of shit to throw away or recycle, but there really isn’t. The level of eyesore-ocity has been pretty level during the past few years, so it’s pretty much just a white trash kind of thing. Hey, if I am going to slum it anywhere, it might as well be at work, especially considering my boss is 3,500 miles away.

The facilities guy in this building is a bit of a dimbulb. He must be 20 years older than me, and he acts as if he is 20 years younger than me. He’s pretty easy to ignore, so that’s what I generally do.

Until today.

In anticipation of tomorrow’s free bagels, er, I mean site cleanup, he decided to place a recycling bin in the entry of my cube, making it impossible to “ignore.” This is one of those wheeled contraptions, maybe about four feet tall.

Hey thanks, I was wondering where to put all of my glasses and mugs and posters and food. Thanks for the paper and cardboard recycling bin. That really helps. I was lost without you, man.

This happened last week, too, because this year’s bagel cleanup day took place over two days. I will spare the whining related to that. (I had done a good job of not mentioning it at all, in fact, considering this is the first that many of you have heard of it.) I decided to do one of those HR-threatening e-mails, which I sent to the people involved, their bosses and my boss. You always copy your boss on these things, no matter what your relationship with your boss (hee), because it lends credibility and seriousness to what you have to say:

Good morning,

I found it quite disconcerting to find, for the second time in two weeks, an unannounced four-foot-tall recycling bin blocking the entrance to my cube this morning. I am fully aware of the site clean-up program (which incidentally is tomorrow, not today) and do not understand what this bin has to do with that. There is little in my cube that belongs in a recycling bin labeled to recycle paper and cardboard.

For the second time in two weeks, I have been singled out in a fashion that disrupts my ability to work. I was assured that this would not happen again, but this apparently is not true. I find this unprofessional and request that you refrain from doing this again. I do not wish to get HR involved because of the potential of a hostile work environment. I’d like to consider this matter closed at this time. Thank you for your understanding.

-Joel

Damn right. I have no idea what will come of this. Hopefully nothing, but stay tuned.

If an election does not have 50% voter turnout, then they have to have a runoff.

So they are moving our cubes around next month, and because I spent too much time in the office, I will still have a cube, so that plan failed miserably. It’s my own fault, though.

I am going to be next to a conference room that nobody is ever going to use. Thanks to the magic of wireless, I can see myself being in there a lot. So although having a window cube is a high priority for everyone, I am going to get one without even trying by sitting in there.

I also think that is going to be the room where everyone sticks the bring-in stuff, like candy or whatever other food. Unbeatable. I may not lead a charmed life, but I know how to manipulate things so I get what I want. God bless America.

I used to volunteer with this gal at the hospital when we were both in high school. We drifted apart, and then she turned out to be in charge of benefits at my job, so when I was hired, it was a big reunion, and it was funny.

She still works here, but she has moved on to bigger and better things. She’s also pooped out a few kids and gotten married. But whatever. Except!

Guess who I saw smoking out back today when I went for a walk? You just never know. I’d know her 14 years and had no idea. Those poor kids.

Vote yes on 86, dammit!

What a day. We lost 4-2 to a team without a goalie, and I scored my first ever goal.

We only had one extra player, so as the game went on, more people wanted to play defense because they were tired. So I played about a period as a forward. I was in front of the net when we had a shot deflected. It went right to me, and I dumped it in. That made it 3-1 and really got us going. We got another goal to make it 3-2, and then that was it. If we had any depth, we would have won.

Then I went with Patrick to play softball. The team seemed to like having me, even though I was only a designated player. (I use the past tense because their regular season ended yesterday.) I went two-for-three and hit the ball well every time, but that doesn’t explain it sufficiently.

We were down 13-5 in the last inning and scored five runs. The woman that bats in front of me is good and really hot but has no self-image. She kept saying that she hoped the batter in front of her would make the third out so she wouldn’t have to bat. I told her she’d be fine, and she was. Her single loaded the bases.

Those of you who can do math understand already that the winning run was at the plate; he was I, and I was him, Jug with the tilted crown.

Granted, we’re talking rec softball here, but is there a situation in your life that you could want more than to be at the plate with two out, the bases loaded, down by three?

We have a lot of good hitters on the team. A base hit would be just fine, and my swing doesn’t have a lot of lift in it anyway because I use a heavy bat.

Things started off Disney enough. I hit the ball up the middle as hard as I have ever hit one, which says a lot.

But rec softball has 10 players in the field: four outfielders, four infielders, a catcher… and a pitcher’s helper. (You pitch to your own team.)

Yep. He stuck out his glove as a reflex and caught it. I didn’t even have the opportunity to get out of the box. The bat was still in my hands.

Let me give you an idea of the amazingness of this play. The other team apologized. The umpire said he’d never seen anything like it.

Then Patrick and I went to the captain of the hockey team’s house and had dinner. He has a bunch of pinball machines, and I broke one of them. I am good at that too.