Today's featured shit

There was a series of TV commercials a couple years back during which the driver’s child alter ego would be sitting in the back seat. Chrysler? Toyota? Who knows. At any rate, one has the Cosmo-reading mid-20s white woman driving her 11-year-old self in the back seat around, and the 11-year-old is criticizing the woman’s concerns over her appearance, which she attributes to making sure boys will like her. The pipsqueak immediately retorts something along the lines of “we don’t care about boys; boys are yucky!” Remember? Can you believe there is nothing on YouTube or even the Internet at large? Nobody filmed the ad and put it online? Nobody blogged about “boys are yucky”? This was quite the catch phrase for a while in some circles, dammit.

Why wouldn’t I buy a new Chrysler if I could get one from a desperate dealer for less than $10,000?

If we had a kid, we would name it Sal (after Sal Castaneda) because it would be an accident.

I’ve added a fantasy baseball category to the site. The goal is to write a daily analysis, starting April 1st (so I can change my mind in the interim and say “April Fool!”), so you can win your fantasy league. Why do something that everyone else is already doing? Because mine won’t suck. Also, I need a portfolio that shows I can write because a lot of the jobs I am shooting for involve writing, and I only have provable experience reviewing albums and interviewing bands. Nobody knows of my ability to write 3,000-word pieces about a Division II college volleyball team.

I signed up for Twitter yesterday. KSCU created an account and sent me a message on Facebook (think about that for a minute) to let me know, so I figured I would sign up too, finally. (You don’t need an account to follow someone on Twitter, but I am always looking for an excuse to do something I don’t want to do that I likely should, especially if it is for my career.)

Twitter works for different reasons than Facebook or the other social networks (Merchant Circle, LinkedIn etc.). I don’t understand why people haven’t figured this out, considering that we love, as a society, to be so judgmental. Twitter works because it places the focus squarely on the tweeter and leaves it there.

Facebook has two or three years left in it. It has a major flaw. When people judge you, they can judge you in person. Every post on Facebook lets others comment right below it, for all to see. This is its strongest selling point and a key reason for its success. (Granted, you used to not be able to comment on everything, but the latest, er, facelift to the site now enables this.) But there is a problem with this: People are ridiculously sensitive, especially on the Internet, the most insensitive place in the world.

Enter Twitter. Twitter lets you say whatever you want, but nobody is ever going to see it, and therefore no one is ever going to judge you. Do you really think people give their opinion because others will care? Of course not. People are merely interested in hearing/reading themselves. It’s no different than taking a dump and admiring your handiwork before flushing it away. “Twitter” does rhyme with “shitter,” after all.

All of this assumes default settings, of course. If I don’t want to hear the status of someone who is a mutual friend at best — you know, the ones you add because your friends add them, and you don’t want to deal with the politics of Facebook friends — I can turn down their posts in my settings so they show up less often, or even not at all. But who does that? The most important aspect of any user interface design is the popularity of the default settings, because 95% of people are going to use them. Homer Simpson was right.

The default settings on Twitter are pretty straightforward. You sign up, decide to add people, which is easy because it can search your e-mail address book, and you’re done.

So now what?

Well, you can either log on to the site to read everyone’s tweets or you can have them sent to your phone. Because of the stereotypes of people tweeting everything they do, I feel as if I could rent my phone to a woman whose sex toy had run out of batteries. I hate the phone. Facebook updates are OK, because I can control that easily. (Again, fear of the unknown is why people don’t want to manually control these things. I got over it for Facebook, but most users will not.)

Having people sign up on your Web site, only to have them never return is why a lot of sites fail. I have no desire to go back to Twitter. I already went there. I’ll come back later, but as Bil Keane pointed out, later may never happen.

Perhaps there is a way to get daily updates of everyone’s tweets in a single e-mail, but I doubt it. I mean, doesn’t that defeat the purpose? The purpose of Twitter is that it is live and in your face. It’s what you’re doing right now. Who cares about what you did yesterday? Case in point: the lousy numbers I get on YouTube. People treat it like it’s yesterday’s news.

However, it’s not all bad news. The path to Twitter’s success does not lead to everyone being engaged in what everyone else is doing. That’s Facebook’s job. And it works, incidentally, on Facebook because you get inspiration to write. Whether it’s 25 things about you or a bucket list, there is always something to write a note about, and then there’s the commenting. Commenting on Facebook makes sense because everyone is looking. “Hey, look at me!” you shout. Facebook is a destination. Twitter is an unlocked diary that no one reads. It lets people write blog posts that can’t be longer than 100-odd characters. Who needs inspiration?

Gary Radnich doesn’t realize it, but he has summed up what no one will admit about the content on Twitter: Nobody cares!

Full Tilt Poker Game #11016449540: Table Wynn – $1/$2 – Limit Hold’em – 16:24:32 ET – 2009/03/07
Seat 1: SoccerJen ($24.50)
Seat 2: 22zit ($97.50)
Seat 3: Vadim13 ($31)
Seat 4: thutran ($66)
Seat 5: Bubbahouse ($17)
Seat 6: Hipcheck1 ($15.25)
Seat 7: Namastefriend ($98.25)
Seat 8: esalvadore ($18.75)
Seat 9: PlugginFool ($20)
Namastefriend posts the small blind of $0.50
esalvadore posts the big blind of $1
The button is in seat #6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to SoccerJen [Jc Tc]
SoccerJen raises to $2
22zit folds
Vadim13 calls $2
thutran calls $2
Bubbahouse calls $2
Hipcheck1 is sitting out
Hipcheck1 folds
Namastefriend calls $1.50
esalvadore calls $1
*** FLOP *** [Qc 8h 9c]
Namastefriend checks
esalvadore checks
SoccerJen bets $1
Vadim13 calls $1
thutran raises to $2
Bubbahouse calls $2
Namastefriend calls $2
esalvadore folds
SoccerJen raises to $3
Vadim13 calls $2
thutran has 15 seconds left to act
thutran calls $1
Bubbahouse calls $1
Namastefriend calls $1
*** TURN *** [Qc 8h 9c] [3s]
Namastefriend checks
SoccerJen bets $2
Vadim13 calls $2
thutran calls $2
Bubbahouse raises to $4
Namastefriend folds
SoccerJen raises to $6
Vadim13 calls $4
thutran folds
Bubbahouse calls $2
*** RIVER *** [Qc 8h 9c 3s] [Kc]
SoccerJen bets $2
Vadim13 raises to $4
Bubbahouse has 15 seconds left to act
Bubbahouse calls $4
SoccerJen raises to $6
Vadim13 raises to $8
Bubbahouse calls $2, and is all in
SoccerJen calls $2
*** SHOW DOWN ***
Vadim13 shows [Ac 7c] a flush, Ace high
SoccerJen shows [Jc Tc] a straight flush, King high
SoccerJen wins the side pot ($4) with a straight flush, King high
Bubbahouse mucks
SoccerJen wins the main pot ($64) with a straight flush, King high
PlugginFool has been disconnected
PlugginFool has reconnected
Bubbahouse is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $69 Main pot $65. Side pot $4. | Rake $1
Board: [Qc 8h 9c 3s Kc]
Seat 1: SoccerJen showed [Jc Tc] and won ($68) with a straight flush, King high
Seat 2: 22zit didn’t bet (folded)
Seat 3: Vadim13 showed [Ac 7c] and lost with a flush, Ace high
Seat 4: thutran folded on the Turn
Seat 5: Bubbahouse mucked [3c 3d] – three of a kind, Threes
Seat 6: Hipcheck1 (button) didn’t bet (folded)
Seat 7: Namastefriend (small blind) folded on the Turn
Seat 8: esalvadore (big blind) folded on the Flop
Seat 9: PlugginFool is sitting out

© 2008 Jonathan Elgart. May be freely distributed if copyright notice is preserved.

2008 Viewers’ Guide
and 21st Annual Playoff Charts
All Times Eastern

New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills, Sunday 1:00 (CBS). This is the only early game with
implications for the AFC playoffs. The home team Bills, after a promising start, are eliminated
already. The Patriots, meanwhile, can still make it. All they need is to win, then wait for the Dolphins
or Ravens to lose in the late games. Patriots fans have never rooted so hard for the Jets.
The likeliest scenario is that the Patriots, Dophins, and Ravens will all win, meaning that the
Patriots will finish 11-5 and miss the playoffs, while at least two teams with 8 or 9 wins win their
respective divisions. I don’t think this is the disaster for the league that some people do (and by some
people, I mean Brookings scholars whose brothers are chief judges of the 7th Circuit Court of
Appeals). The Patriots padded their record by beating up on the AFC and NFC West divisions—the
same divisions whose champions have 8 or 9 wins—but couldn’t beat the decent teams on their
schedule. Because they finished first last year, they had to play the teams that finished first in the three
other AFC divisions. They probably deserved to miss the playoffs once they completed the anti-sweep,
losing all three of those games. A division title has to be worth something, or else you can’t justify the
existence of divisions. You can’t justify a schedule that gives San Francisco eight games against St.
Louis and eight games against Arizona—why would their fans care?—for every one game against
Oakland.

St. Louis Rams at Atlanta Falcons, Sunday 1:00 (Fox). The Falcons have clinched a playoff spot
and the Rams are eliminated, yet this game is key to several teams’ playoff seeding. In fact, it’s so key,
I almost led this Viewers’ Guide with it, but my East Coast bias made me list the Patriots game first.
A Falcons victory in this game, coupled with a Panthers loss, improbably gives the Falcons a
division title and a bye week. This will be an exciting outcome for fans of Boston College’s own Matt
Ryan. As a Boston College alumnus, I am indifferent. Their football program has no tradition and has
done nothing to earn my rooting interest. I’m still waiting for someone to explain to me why the Doug
Flutie play, a quarter century later, is still listed among the greatest plays in sports history. Talk about
your East Coast bias. I’ve been asking Boston fans most of my life and the best answer I get is:
“Because it was a big upset.” The Doug Flutie play was a thrilling conclusion to a high-scoring
regular season game. A program that would celebrate this moment as its one hallowed memory is a
program with no history. Which is to take away nothing from Flutie’s exceptional career as a Canadian
professional.
A Falcons victory, not coupled with a Panthers loss, locks the Falcons into fifth seed. So does a
Falcons tie, coupled or not coupled with anything. A Falcons loss with a Cowboys win drops the
Falcons to sixth seed. A Falcons loss without a Cowboys win keeps the Falcons in fifth. What fifth
seed means is a game next week at Arizona. Just what America wanted to see: a Falcons-Cardinals
playoff game! If they could schedule this at 4 a.m., they would.

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints, Sunday 1:00 (Fox). The Panthers win the division and
earn a bye week with a victory in this game (or with a tie). A loss here, along with the Falcons beating
the Rams at the same time, gives the Falcons the division and drops the Panthers to fifth seed.
The Panthers’ task will be made slightly easier by Drew Brees’ quest for Dan Marino’s record.
He needs something like 402 yards [FACT CHECK] to beat the single-season record for passing yards.
Since the Saints have nothing else to play for, this presumably will skew their play calling. The
Panthers have a sharp coaching staff, and I’d expect them to exploit this.

© 2008 Jonathan Elgart. May be freely distributed if copyright notice is preserved.

Chicago Bears at Houston Texans, Sunday 1:00 (Fox). The Bears win the division if they win this
game and the Vikings lose or tie (or if they tie and the Vikings lose). The Bears can also be a wild card
if they win and the Vikings win, as long as neither the Bucs nor Cowboys win. The Texans can be a
mediocre team that misses the playoffs, which they’re used to by now.

New York Giants at Minnesota Vikings, Sunday 1:00 (Fox). The Vikings win the division if they
win this game (or if they tie and the Bears lose or tie). If the Bears lose, this game becomes
meaningless and the Vikings win the division automatically. It’s meaningless already for the Giants.
But so was their last game last year, and they took their best shot at winning, and look how that worked
out for them. Now the Giants are great, ratings are up [FACT CHECK], and the league is thrilled.

Oakland Raiders at Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Sunday 1:00 (CBS). Ordinarily, when several games
impact the same teams’ playoff chances, the league likes to schedule those games at the same time.
For example, under this principle the Patriots, Ravens, and Dolphins-Jets games would be played
simultaneously. However, this year the league shifted two of those games to 4:15 but left the Patriots
at 1:00. If you’re wondering why, it’s because otherwise CBS would’ve had no early game worth
showing a national audience except this one, and this is some weak tea indeed: a faint echo of a long-
ago Super Bowl for which the Raiders never showed up (in one case, literally). That franchise hasn’t
been competitive for one moment in the six years since. It would never have come to this if Al Davis
were still alive. [Before publishing, make sure he’s still alive, or this won’t be funny. —Ed.]
For their part, the Buccaneers have remained competitive. If they win here, they keep their
playoff hopes alive for three more hours; they will be a wild card if the Cowboys lose and eliminated if
the Cowboys win. If they lose, they are eliminated right away, and for the 43rd straight year, the host
team does not make it to the Super Bowl. A handful of Super Bowls have been staged where no NFL
team played—Stanford Stadium, Rice Stadium, the Rose Bowl [FACT CHECK]—but this is a
remarkable streak all the same.
By the way, I’ve left those in on purpose for readers who enjoy doing their own fact checking.

Tennessee Titans at Indianapolis Colts, Sunday 1:00 (CBS). An exhibition game between two
teams that have locked in their playoff seeds, Titans first and Colts fifth. The only reason to try hard is
because letting down leads to injuries. The only reason to watch is—I’m drawing a blank. Hopefully
this won’t be clogging up a satellite receiver at your local sports bar that could be better applied to the
Panthers-Saints. I don’t know why the league scheduled ten games at the same time—I especially
don’t know why they scheduled none on Saturday—but it presents a challenge that few sports bars are
up to.

Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers, Sunday 1:00 (CBS). Another exhibition game, with the
Steelers locked into second seed and the Browns eliminated as usual. This has the ol’ traditional
rivalry angle, but again I could skip it.*

Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers, Sunday 1:00 (Fox). Nothing but a sideshow, with the 0-15
Lions in the role of the geek.

Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles, Sunday 4:15 (Fox). The Cowboys are a wild card if they
win and out of the playoffs if they lose. This is similarly a play-in game for the Eagles if, in the early
games, the Buccaneers lose and so do either the Vikings or Bears. Otherwise the Eagles will be left

*
Kansas City Chiefs at Cincinnati Bengals, Sunday 1:00 (CBS), is so unwatchable, it’s lucky to get this footnote.
© 2008 Jonathan Elgart. May be freely distributed if copyright notice is preserved.

wishing they’d have won that Bengals game instead of tying it and missing the playoffs by half a
game. Speaking of ties, there are also ways the Cowboys can make the playoffs if they tie, but we
won’t go into too much detail on those. The most interesting one is where they tie and so do the
Buccaneers. Then the Cowboys take the last playoff spot based on their head-to-head victory over
Tampa Bay. However, if the Bears and Vikings both tie, or one team wins and the other ties, then
there’s a three-way tie at 9-6-1 for the last wild card, and the Cowboys’ head-to-head victory doesn’t
count. The Buccaneers would make the playoffs on account of their conference record. I figure these
things out so you won’t have to.

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets, Sunday 4:15 (CBS). If the Patriots lost their early game, then
the winner of the Dolphins and Jets will be the division champion. If the Patriots won, then the
Dolphins still win the division if they win here; the Jets can only be a wild card and then only if they
win while the Ravens lose. Regardless of any other results, whoever loses this game is eliminated.
If there are any ties, I assure you I’ve figured them out so you won’t have to, but I’ll offer you
the chance nonetheless to stand on your own and calculate the scenarios yourself. Keep in mind that
whoever has a 10-5-1 record will be seeded ahead of all the 10-6 teams and behind all the 11-5 teams,
and you’ll do fine.
Since the Patriots can’t make the playoffs if the Dolphins and Ravens both win, I’ve heard a lot
of pessimists saying there is “no way” the Dolphins can lose this game. Sure, if you play for Tony
Soprano, you want to make the playoffs or you’ll get whacked. Or whatever his name is. But I don’t
understand how there is “no way” the Dolphins can lose a division game on the road, when the Jets
will in all circumstances be playing to keep their own playoff hopes alive, and will moreover have the
sainted Brett Favre to guide them.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Baltimore Ravens, Sunday 4:15 (CBS). If the Patriots lost their early game,
then this game is meaningless and the Ravens will visit the Dolphins-Jets winner for the playoffs next
week. Otherwise, the Ravens need to win and will then visit New England or Miami. (Technically, a
tie is good enough unless the Patriots and Dolphins both win.)
As a Patriots fan, I say there is “no way” the Ravens can lose this game.

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals, Sunday 4:15 (Fox). The Cardinals are a bad team that has
clinched a terrible division. All season they have beaten the lousy teams and offered no resistance to
the decent ones. Their Thanksgiving night game in Philadelphia was an important test for both
participants. Could the Cardinals actually beat a good team? Or were the reeling Eagles even a good
team in the first place? Half an hour later, with the Eagles already ahead 21-0 [FACT CHECK], the
answers were becoming clearer.
Meanwhile, on the other side, the Seahawks are wrapping up a lost season, so this game has no
meaning. Its only value is to keep all the good games on both networks in this time slot off my TV.
But no matter, I would’ve been at Zipps anyway.

Washington Redskins at San Francisco 49ers, Sunday 4:15 (Fox). This game has no impact on the
playoffs. I’d go so far as to say it has no impact on anyone or anything, except that it keeps all the
good games on both networks off Bay Area TVs as well.

Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers, Sunday 8:15 (NBC). The winner of Hochuli Bowl II hosts
a first-round game against the Colts next week. That makes this the de facto playoff that the inventors
of flex scheduling were hoping to present. As there is nothing more to say about it, I’ll sign off here
and let you enjoy the games. See you next year.
© 2008 Jonathan Elgart. May be freely distributed if copyright notice is preserved.

2008 Playoff Charts

AFC

#1=Ten #2=Pit #5=Ind

Sun Sun Sun Sun
1:00 4:15 4:15 8:15
NE Mia Jax Den
@Buf @NYJ @Bal #3 #6 @SD #4
=========================== ===========
NE Mia Jax* Mia NE Den Den
NE Mia Bal Mia Bal SD SD
NE NYJ Jax NE NYJ tie Den
NE NYJ Bal* NE Bal
NE tie Jax NE Mia
NE tie Bal* NE Bal
Buf Mia* — Mia Bal
Buf NYJ — NYJ Bal
tie Mia Jax Mia NE
tie Mia Bal* Mia Bal
tie NYJ Jax NE NYJ
tie NYJ Bal* NE Bal
tie tie Jax Mia NE
tie tie Bal* Mia Bal

* In case of tie, read this row.

© 2008 Jonathan Elgart. May be freely distributed if copyright notice is preserved.

NFC

#1=NYG #4=Phx

Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun
1:00 1:00 1:00 1:00 1:00 4:15
StL Car Chi NYG Oak Dal
@Atl @NO @Hou @Min @TB @Phi #2 #3 #5 #6
====================================================
StL — Chi* NYG Oak Dal Car Chi Dal Atl
StL — Chi* NYG Oak Phi Car Chi Atl Phi
StL — Chi* NYG Oak tie Car Chi Atl Dal
StL — Chi* NYG TB Dal Car Chi Dal Atl
StL — Chi* NYG TB Phi* Car Chi Atl TB
StL — Chi* NYG tie Dal Car Chi Dal Atl
StL — Chi* NYG tie Phi Car Chi Atl TB
StL — Chi* NYG tie tie Car Chi Atl Dal
StL — Chi Min Oak* Dal Car Min Dal Atl
StL — Chi Min Oak* Phi* Car Min Atl Chi
StL — Chi Min TB Dal Car Min Dal Atl
StL — Chi Min TB Phi* Car Min Atl TB
StL — Chi tie Oak Dal Car Chi Dal Atl
StL — Chi tie Oak Phi Car Chi Atl Min
StL — Chi tie Oak tie Car Chi Atl Dal
StL — Chi tie TB* Dal Car Chi Dal Atl
StL — Chi tie TB* Phi* Car Chi Atl TB
StL — Hou — Oak Dal Car Min Dal Atl
StL — Hou — Oak Phi Car Min Atl Phi
StL — Hou — Oak tie Car Min Atl Dal
StL — Hou — TB Dal Car Min Dal Atl
StL — Hou — TB Phi* Car Min Atl TB
StL — Hou — tie Dal Car Min Dal Atl
StL — Hou — tie Phi Car Min Atl TB
StL — Hou — tie tie Car Min Atl Dal
StL — tie Min* Oak Dal Car Min Dal Atl
StL — tie Min* Oak Phi Car Min Atl Chi
StL — tie Min* Oak tie Car Min Atl Dal
StL — tie Min* TB* Dal Car Min Dal Atl
StL — tie Min* TB* Phi* Car Min Atl TB
Atl Car* Chi* NYG Oak Dal* Car Chi Atl Dal
Atl Car* Chi* NYG Oak Phi Car Chi Atl Phi
Atl Car* Chi* NYG TB Dal Car Chi Atl Dal
Atl Car* Chi* NYG TB Phi* Car Chi Atl TB
Atl Car* Chi* NYG tie Dal* Car Chi Atl Dal
Atl Car* Chi* NYG tie Phi Car Chi Atl TB
Atl Car* Chi Min Oak* Dal Car Min Atl Dal
Atl Car* Chi Min Oak* Phi* Car Min Atl Chi
Atl Car* Chi Min TB Dal Car Min Atl Dal
Atl Car* Chi Min TB Phi* Car Min Atl TB
Atl Car* Chi tie Oak Dal* Car Chi Atl Dal
Atl Car* Chi tie Oak Phi Car Chi Atl Min
Atl Car* Chi tie TB* Dal Car Chi Atl Dal
Atl Car* Chi tie TB* Phi* Car Chi Atl TB
Atl Car* Hou — Oak Dal* Car Min Atl Dal
Atl Car* Hou — Oak Phi Car Min Atl Phi
Atl Car* Hou — TB Dal Car Min Atl Dal
Atl Car* Hou — TB Phi* Car Min Atl TB
Atl Car* Hou — tie Dal* Car Min Atl Dal
Atl Car* Hou — tie Phi Car Min Atl TB
Atl Car* tie Min* Oak Dal* Car Min Atl Dal
Atl Car* tie Min* Oak Phi Car Min Atl Chi
Atl Car* tie Min* TB* Dal Car Min Atl Dal
Atl Car* tie Min* TB* Phi* Car Min Atl TB

* In case of tie, read this row.

© 2008 Jonathan Elgart. May be freely distributed if copyright notice is preserved.

Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun
1:00 1:00 1:00 1:00 1:00 4:15
StL Car Chi NYG Oak Dal
@Atl @NO @Hou @Min @TB @Phi #2 #3 #5 #6
====================================================
Atl NO Chi* NYG Oak Dal* Atl Chi Car Dal
Atl NO Chi* NYG Oak Phi Atl Chi Car Phi
Atl NO Chi* NYG TB Dal Atl Chi Car Dal
Atl NO Chi* NYG TB Phi* Atl Chi Car TB
Atl NO Chi* NYG tie Dal* Atl Chi Car Dal
Atl NO Chi* NYG tie Phi Atl Chi Car TB
Atl NO Chi Min Oak* Dal Atl Min Car Dal
Atl NO Chi Min Oak* Phi* Atl Min Car Chi
Atl NO Chi Min TB Dal Atl Min Car Dal
Atl NO Chi Min TB Phi* Atl Min Car TB
Atl NO Chi tie Oak Dal* Atl Chi Car Dal
Atl NO Chi tie Oak Phi Atl Chi Car Min
Atl NO Chi tie TB* Dal Atl Chi Car Dal
Atl NO Chi tie TB* Phi* Atl Chi Car TB
Atl NO Hou — Oak Dal* Atl Min Car Dal
Atl NO Hou — Oak Phi Atl Min Car Phi
Atl NO Hou — TB Dal Atl Min Car Dal
Atl NO Hou — TB Phi* Atl Min Car TB
Atl NO Hou — tie Dal* Atl Min Car Dal
Atl NO Hou — tie Phi Atl Min Car TB
Atl NO tie Min* Oak Dal* Atl Min Car Dal
Atl NO tie Min* Oak Phi Atl Min Car Chi
Atl NO tie Min* TB* Dal Atl Min Car Dal
Atl NO tie Min* TB* Phi* Atl Min Car TB
tie — Chi* NYG Oak Dal* Car Chi Atl Dal
tie — Chi* NYG Oak Phi Car Chi Atl Phi
tie — Chi* NYG TB Dal Car Chi Atl Dal
tie — Chi* NYG TB Phi* Car Chi Atl TB
tie — Chi* NYG tie Dal* Car Chi Atl Dal
tie — Chi* NYG tie Phi Car Chi Atl TB
tie — Chi Min Oak* Dal Car Min Atl Dal
tie — Chi Min Oak* Phi* Car Min Atl Chi
tie — Chi Min TB Dal Car Min Atl Dal
tie — Chi Min TB Phi* Car Min Atl TB
tie — Chi tie Oak Dal* Car Chi Atl Dal
tie — Chi tie Oak Phi Car Chi Atl Min
tie — Chi tie TB* Dal Car Chi Atl Dal
tie — Chi tie TB* Phi* Car Chi Atl TB
tie — Hou — Oak Dal* Car Min Atl Dal
tie — Hou — Oak Phi Car Min Atl Phi
tie — Hou — TB Dal Car Min Atl Dal
tie — Hou — TB Phi* Car Min Atl TB
tie — Hou — tie Dal* Car Min Atl Dal
tie — Hou — tie Phi Car Min Atl TB
tie — tie Min* Oak Dal* Car Min Atl Dal
tie — tie Min* Oak Phi Car Min Atl Chi
tie — tie Min* TB* Dal Car Min Atl Dal
tie — tie Min* TB* Phi* Car Min Atl TB

* In case of tie, read this row.
© 2008 Jonathan Elgart. May be freely distributed if copyright notice is preserved.

2008 AFC Team-By-Team

Tennessee Titans (13-2) are South Division champions and have clinched home-field advantage
throughout the playoffs.

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-4) are North Division champions and have clinched a bye week.

Indianapolis Colts (11-4) have clinched a wild-card berth and are locked into the 5th seed. They will
play a first-round game at the Denver–San Diego winner.

Miami Dolphins (10-5) control their own destiny for the East Division title. They win the division if
they win at the Jets. They win the division also if they tie the Jets and the Patriots lose or tie at
Buffalo. They are a wild card, with the 6th seed and a first-round game at New England, only if they
tie the Jets, the Patriots win, and the Ravens lose at home against Jacksonville. The Dolphins are out
of the playoffs if they lose.

Baltimore Ravens (10-5) control their own destiny for a wild-card berth. They are in the playoffs if
they win at home against Jacksonville or if the Patriots lose at Buffalo. They are in the playoffs also if
they tie, unless the Patriots beat Buffalo and the Dolphins beat the Jets. They are out of the playoffs if
they lose and the Patriots win or tie, or if they tie and both the Patriots and Dolphins win. As a playoff
team, the Ravens would be 6th seed.

New England Patriots (10-5) need help to earn a wild-card berth. They win the East Division if they
win at Buffalo and the Dolphins lose or tie at the Jets, or if they tie and the Dolphins lose. They are a
wild card, with the 6th seed and a first-round game at Miami, if they win, the Dolphins win, and the
Ravens lose or tie at home against Jacksonville; or if they tie, the Dolphins win or tie, and the Ravens
lose. They are out of the playoffs if they lose. They are out of the playoffs if they win and the
Dolphins and Ravens also win, or if they tie and the Dolphins and Ravens each win or tie.

New York Jets (9-6) need help to make the playoffs. They win the East Division, and host the Ravens
in a first-round game, if they win at home against Miami and the Patriots lose at Buffalo. They are a
wild card, with the 6th seed and a first-round game at New England, if they win, the Patriots win or tie,
and the Ravens lose at home against Jacksonville. They are out of the playoffs if they lose or tie, or if
the Patriots and Ravens each win or tie.

Denver Broncos (8-7) control their own destiny for the West Division title. They win the division, and
host the Colts in a first-round game, if they win or tie at San Diego. They are out of the playoffs if
they lose.

San Diego Chargers (7-8) control their own destiny for the West Division title. They win the
division, and host the Colts in a first-round game, if they win at home against Denver. They are out of
the playoffs if they lose.
© 2008 Jonathan Elgart. May be freely distributed if copyright notice is preserved.

2008 NFC Team-By-Team

New York Giants (12-3) are East Division champions and have clinched home-field advantage
throughout the playoffs.

Carolina Panthers (11-4) have clinched a playoff berth and control their own destiny for the South
Division title and a bye week. They win the division, with a bye week as the 2nd seed, if they win or
tie at New Orleans or the Falcons lose or tie at home against St. Louis. If they lose and the Falcons
win, then the Panthers are the 5th-seed wild card and play a first-round game at Arizona.

Atlanta Falcons (10-5) have clinched a playoff berth and need help to win the South Division title and
a bye week. They win the division, with a bye week as the 2nd seed, if they win at home against St.
Louis and the Panthers lose at New Orleans. Otherwise they are a wild card. As a wild card, they are
5th seed and play a first-round game at Arizona if they win or tie, or if the Cowboys lose or tie at
Philadelphia; they are 6th seed and visit the North Division winner if they lose and the Cowboys win.

Minnesota Vikings (9-6) control their own destiny for the North Division title. They win the division
if they win at home against the Giants, if they tie while the Bears lose or tie at Houston, or if they lose
while the Bears lose. They are a wild card, with 6th seed and a first-round game at Chicago, only if
they tie, the Bears win, the Buccaneers lose at home against Oakland and the Cowboys lose at
Philadelphia. They are eliminated if they lose and the Bears win or tie. They are eliminated also if
they tie, the Bears win, and either the Buccaneers or Cowboys win or tie.

Dallas Cowboys (9-6) control their own destiny for a wild-card berth. They are a wild card if they win
at Philadelphia. They are a wild card also if they tie, but only in two scenarios: (a.) the Buccaneers
lose at home against Oakland, and either the Vikings lose or tie at home against the Giants or the Bears
lose or tie at Houston, or (b.) the Buccaneers tie, and either the Vikings or Bears lose. They are
eliminated in any other scenario, including if they lose. As a wild card, they are 5th seed and play a
first-round game at Arizona if they win and the Falcons lose at home against St. Louis; otherwise they
are 6th seed and visit the North Division winner.

Chicago Bears (9-6) must win and have help to earn a playoff berth. They win the North Division if
they win while the Vikings lose or tie at home against the Giants, or if they tie while the Vikings lose.
They are a wild card, with 6th seed and a first-round game at Minnesota, if they and the Vikings both
win while the Buccaneers lose or tie at home against Oakland and the Cowboys lose or tie at
Philadelphia, or if they tie, the Vikings win or tie, the Buccaneers lose, and the Cowboys lose. The
Bears are eliminated if they lose. They are eliminated also if they tie, the Vikings win or tie, and either
the Buccaneers or Cowboys win or tie. They are eliminated even if they win, as long as the Vikings
win and either the Buccaneers or Cowboys win.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-6) must win and have help to earn a wild-card berth. They are a wild card,
with 6th seed and a first-round game at the North Division winner, if they win at home against Oakland
and the Cowboys lose or tie at Philadelphia. They are 6th seed also if they tie, but only in two
scenarios: (a.) the Cowboys lose, or (b.) the Cowboys tie and out of the Vikings and Bears, either one
team wins and the other ties, or both teams tie. They are eliminated in any other scenario, including if
they lose or the Cowboys win.

Philadelphia Eagles (8-6-1) must win and have help to earn a wild-card berth. If they win at home
against Dallas while the Buccaneers lose at home against Oakland, and either the Vikings lose at home
against the Giants or the Bears lose at Houston, then the Eagles are a wild card and will visit the North
Division champion for a first-round game. In any other scenario, the Eagles are eliminated.

Arizona Cardinals (8-7) are West Division champions and are locked into the 4th seed. They will
host Atlanta, Dallas, or Carolina in a first-round game.