COMC is the Del Taco of card collecting.

Let’s look at Southern California in the mid-20th century. Two major chains were taking off: In N Out Burger and Taco Bell. Along comes upstart Del Taco, who says, “Hey, we want to be all things to all people. We’re going to offer fake In N Out and Taco Bell food with similar sounding names, so people get what we’re doing. We’ll make our own version of the Double Double and call it a Double Del Cheeseburger. We’ll make our own version of the Taco Supreme and call it a Macho Taco.” The list goes on. There are Big Fat Tacos (Gorditas) and Macho Burritos (Burrito Supremes). Taco Bell steals their ideas too, though. The different half-pound burritos they sell now are takes on the half-pound burritos Del Taco offers, although some would say these are in response to the eight-ounce burrito promotion Taco Bell ran in the mid-90s (bean burrito, 7-layer and another one, I think).

So anyway, eBay and Sportlots are Taco Bell and In N Out Burger. COMC is Del Taco. Perhaps the 20-cent listing fee (originally) was in response to the 20-cent listing fee on eBay. And skipping the 1-cent storage fee for cheap-ass cards? That likely is to steal from Sportlots. Like Del Taco they want to be all things to all people. Combine this with patent pending technology (so they say), and you have a winner!

If you would like to see the 2006 version, it is here: https://joelshitshow.com/2006/12/24/for-nfl-fans/

I don’t know why I did not post the 2007 version. Here is the 2008 version. If you want to write the author, you can do it at elgart30@gmail.com. Playoff scenarios will be posted around Christmastime. He will likely write it in a week (although we’ll be in Vegas, so how does that work?), and I’ll post it when I have Internet access again, Christmas Eve at my grandparents in Napa.

______

Greetings from Tucson, Arizona, where the NFL Answer Man’s busy
schedule has taken him today. We had Mrs. Answer Man’s birthday on
Sunday, the Christmas dinner from my day job yesterday, and today I’m
in Tucson to meet with clients who aren’t showing up because it’s the
holidays — who wants to meet with a bankruptcy lawyer right before
Christmas? (After New Year’s is a whole different story.) Luckily
there was Monday, with a free evening and the Eagles-Browns game not
distracting me at all, so I was able to work out my playoff charts,
and now I can cobble together these questions and answers for an
eagerly awaiting public:

Q: Did you manage to get all your charts done?

A: Pretty much. I haven’t done a complete analysis of every
strength-of-victory tiebreaker. I do know that Dallas has a big edge
over Chicago and Philadelphia has a big edge over Tampa Bay. That’s
right, I calculated the Philadelphia-Tampa Bay tiebreaker, just in
case the Eagles win out while the Bucs win one and tie one. However,
I refused on principle to calculate who gets the third seed if the
Bears win the North Division at 9-6-1 and the Cardinals, by
coincidence, also happen to finish 9-6-1. There’s a (?) right there
on my chart and it’s staying there.

Q: Well, what most of America wants to know is: how do we keep the
Patriots out of the playoffs?

A: Just win, baby. The Patriots lose all tiebreakers at 11-5. So If
the Jets and Dolphins win this week, then the winner of their Dec. 28
game wins the division; the Patriots can sneak in only if that Dec. 28
game is a tie. If the Ravens win twice and the Colts win once —
either this week or next — then the Patriots can’t win the wild card
either.

Q: What if someone finishes 10-6? Can the Patriots win any of those
tiebreakers?

A: Against the Jets, the tiebreaker comes down to division record.
The Jets prevail unless their one loss is to the Dolphins and the
Patriots’ one win is against the Bills. Then the Patriots win the
next tiebreaker, record against common opponents. Against the
Dolphins, the Patriots prevail only if their one win is against the
Bills and the Dolphins’ one loss is to the Jets. The Patriots lose
subsequent tiebreakers to the Dolphins if they finish with the same
division record. Against the Ravens, the Patriots’ only slim hope is
if their one win is against the Bills and the Ravens’ one loss is to
the Jaguars. Then it comes down to a strength-of-victory tiebreaker
in which the Ravens hold an early lead.

Q: I understand the winner of this Sunday’s Giants-Panthers game gets
first seed in the NFC. Does the losing team get second seed?

A: Not necessarily. If the losing team winds up winning its division
at 11-5, and the Vikings win out, then the Vikings will get second
seed and the Giants or Panthers will be third. For that matter, the
Panthers miss the playoffs altogether if they lose twice while the
Bucs, Falcons, and Cowboys all win twice.

Q: Is it the same deal with this Sunday’s Steelers-Titans game?

A: Not exactly. The Titans will earn first seed with a win. If the
Steelers win, the Titans can still reclaim first seed by winning next
week while the Steelers lose. However, these teams have both clinched
bye weeks already.

Q: Who wins the NFC South if everyone goes 11-5?

A: Not the Panthers. You’re not going to like this, but the
Bucs-Falcons tiebreaker at 11-5 comes down to strength of victory, and
they’ve beaten almost all the same teams. It’ll depend solely on
whether the Seahawks finish with a better record than the Rams. If
they do, then Tampa Bay wins the division and gets a bye week and
Atlanta is a wild card. If the Seahawks and Rams finish with the same
record, then the tiebreaker comes down to strength of schedule, and
being in the same division, Atlanta and Tampa Bay had almost the same
schedule. It’ll depend solely on whether Dallas or Philadelphia
finishes with a better record. Tampa Bay is rooting for Dallas and
Atlanta is rooting for Philadelphia.

Q: Wait, you missed one. What if the Rams finish with a better record
than the Seahawks? They’re only one game behind now.

A: In this scenario, they can’t. We’re assuming the Falcons win twice
to finish 11-5, and the Falcons’ last game is against the Rams.

Q: Also, what if Dallas and Philadelphia finish with the same record?

A: That would involve Dallas tying Baltimore then losing to the
Eagles. Or it would involve the Eagles tying both of their remaining
games to finish 8-5-3. Do my charts cover the possibility of a team
finishing 8-5-3? Yes, they do. If the Eagles finish 8-5-3 and the
Cowboys finish 9-6-1, that’s considered the same record and the
Atlanta-Tampa Bay division race goes to the immortal Tiebreaker #7,
“Best combined ranking among conference teams in points scored and
points allowed.” (The Eagles-Cowboys tiebreaker at those records, by
the way, goes to the Cowboys.)

Q: How come the Redskins can make the playoffs at 7-7, but the Saints
and Texans can’t?

A: It’s the familiar principle that before you can earn a wild card,
you at least have to be the best contender in your own division. If
everything goes right for the Redskins (they win twice, Tampa Bay and
Atlanta lose twice, and Baltimore beats Dallas), then someone in their
division will finish higher than 9-7 and be fifth seed but the
Redskins will be sixth seed due to a higher conference record than
Atlanta. Why do we only care about Atlanta when Tampa Bay and New
Orleans can also finish 9-7? Because the Falcons are the only team
that can get out of the NFC South with a 9-7 record; in this scenario
they would have the best record against common opponents. That
explains why the Saints are eliminated too. Meanwhile, in the AFC,
the Texans’ best chance is to finish in a tie for sixth seed at 9-7,
but they lose the tiebreaker to Baltimore in all possible scenarios.

Q: And is it true the Chargers can still make the playoffs at 6-8?

A: Absolutely. If they win this week while the Broncos lose, then
their Dec. 28 rematch is a virtual playoff game: winner gets fourth
seed and loser goes home.

Q: Would they be in better shape if Ed Hochuli hadn’t screwed them in
their first game with the Broncos?

A: Well, of course they would. Mr. Hochuli, my colleague before the
Arizona bar, has had better days in the NFL than when his errant call
of an incomplete pass on a Jay Cutler fumble cost the Chargers a
victory. I should mention that the Chargers, to that point, had
already given up 31 points and let the Broncos’ last-minute touchdown
drive reach the 1-yard line, so they can’t lay all the blame on my
esteemed brother in jurisprudence. All the same, had they won that
game, they would now be tied with the Broncos at 7-7, and would hold a
5-0 division record, so a win in either of their remaining games, or
any Broncos loss, would lock up the division for the Chargers. That’s
much better shape.

Q: How do I stop receiving this drivel?

A: You’re receiving this because you received it last year. If you
know someone who’d like to see it, pass it on. If you hate it — no,
I can’t imagine a world where you’d hate it. If you have follow-up
questions, get back to me.

Q: Did any of your clients ever show up?

A: Yeah, a few. I like these road trips to Tucson, but not during
football chart season. I need to drive home now, so I’ll leave you to
enjoy this weekend’s games, and I’ll be back with you next week

Sometimes I search for things that remind me of my youth on the Internet, and when I find nothing, I get depressed. This is key stuff, people! If I think of enough of these, I may create a new category for them all.

At any rate, when I would listen to the Alex Bennett show in the early 1990s, he would have this cellular phone guy on. I think they were in Marin County. Was it Parrot Cellular? It could have been. Regardless of who it was, the phone number was an easy-to-remember one, in that the numbers spelled out a phrase. I don’t remember the original phrase, but I do remember the phrase that Alex Bennett and/or his listeners thought of: 1-888-RIB-STEW.

Also they were located next to a Double Rainbow, so the slogan was “buy a phone, get a cone.”

Now when people search for “buy a phone get a cone” on Yahoo!, they will find this post. That makes me feel better.

This seriously happened. Tonight’s episode, right before the first commercial break, has the Nazis invading Poland. So then, the commercial break. And what is the commercial for? Volkswagen. You can’t make this shit up. Nice work, KTVU.

Seriously. Take a look at this guy the next time you’re watching the baseball playoffs on TBS.

With election coverage now under way, I actually have to write about the ridiculous things I do every day, because my three minutes are reserved for bringing high speed rail to California and helping teenage girls get all the abortions they want (but more about that on Friday).

So Chipotle mailed these unnecessarily fancy coupons for a free burrito a few weeks or months ago, and I kept putting off using them. Until today. They expire today. Technically they expired yesterday, because it said to use them “before September 30, 2008.” An editor I may be, but more faith is placed in American humanity. In other words, I don’t think their staff is smart enough to read the words. Seeing the 30 is all they need. And sure enough, I had two burritos in 20 minutes this morning, and now it is about to be nap time, although I do have a 2:15 call with a recruiter. (It is looking good, but I won’t count my free range chickens before they’re hatched, because tabulating free range chickens is like herding cats.)

First stop, the Chipotle on The Alameda, near Morrison. Morrison is no longer just Kimber’s last name. It is also where Chipotle is. This is near the Tin Can, where the San Jose Sharks play, incidentally.

Chipotle used to be owned by McDonald’s. That’s not entirely true; I think they just had an interest in them. But they no longer are, if memory serves correctly. There’s no questioning one thing though: There’s nothing authentic about the place. But you already knew that, and so did I. But why people would spend $6.xx for a corporate burrito is beyond me. I think people are afraid of independent taquerias. Or maybe they hate Mexicans. I don’t know.

Anyway, I got a vegetarian burrito, and I was reminded that burritos at Chipotle are shaped unconventionally. It’s not a cylinder. It’s shorter and wider in the middle. I think this is so they can use less aluminum foil when they wrap them. Whatever the reason, it is not appealing. People eating burritos do not want to be reminded how big they are. A longer skinnier burrito is less threatening, because if it came to life and attacked you then you would be able to put your mouth around one end of it and suffocate it. This is not an option with a Chipotle burrito. If you try to seal off one of the ends, then the middle will wrap itself around your head and suffocate you. This is not my idea of a good time.

So I ate the burrito extra fast. An attack is an attack, sure, but by eating quickly I was able to quell the burrito while it was still in the planning stages. That was a close one. And now it was time to visit Campisi Way, the street everyone uses that no one has heard of.

At Bascom and Campisi, this is a new Chipotle. I had a coupon for this one because my girlfriend got it in the mail, and using a coupon for a free burrito is not her idea of a good time. You can imagine the conversations that this belief creates.

By now it is 11:45, and I am surprised that there is no line inside. Perhaps it is because nobody can understand how to park there. See, there are a ton of spaces next to the building that houses the Chipotle, but they all say “Sherwin-Williams” in white paint. There must be some sort of precedent that says so many people wanted Zizzo’s Coffee and packages sent at The UPS Store that Sherwin-Williams decided it better lay claim to its parking spaces. So now you have 30 empty spaces to the side of the building, and then in the back there are 10 full spaces. It’s going to get to the point that people are going to go to Sherwin-Williams to buy a pack of gum just so they can park there. It’ll be as bad as the pets.com sock puppet, in terms of, er, a bad sales mix. “I dunno. The Bascom store sales are through the roof, but 99% of it is for Wrigley’s Spearmint.” “What do you think it means?” “Hmm. Probably that we need more ‘Bort’ license plates.”

Anyway, there is no line, and I get a burrito, and it is the same as the one on The Alameda, right down to the piece of tomato that fell out when I took a strategically ill-advised bite. I left the same mess. I washed my hands in the same design of a bathroom. I tripped on the same crack on the ground when I went to leave. Yeah, you can feel the influence of McDonald’s. Kind of like Bill’s in Stateline, Nevada, which used to have a McDonald’s back in the proverbial day. The doors still exist, and there is no door like a McDonald’s door like no door I know.

So I ate two burritos. They were fine. I will not go back unless they send me more coupons. (Even $1 off would do. I am not picky. Just don’t force me to buy a soda. You have nothing without both sugar and caffeine.) The one at the Pruneyard has much better service. They smiled, and they even offered me a cup of water, even though they knew I was only there with a free coupon. Shit. I might even go to that one with just a 50-cent coupon.

Hey, I’ll have some time to write now!