Today's featured shit

If Handsome Furs were Troy McClure, you might remember parts of them from such acts as Wolf Parade. I don’t know why record labels think it is funny to make an album that does not include either band members or a track listing, but Sub Pop is busting up somewhere, I know it.

“I’m Confused” reminds me of Billy Idol. When I was in high school, Mr. Balochie would give us cassette tapes of our Spanish lessons so we could use rote memory to pass his tests. It never helped us learn Spanish, but I guess the purpose is to pass the class, right? At any rate, one of the sentences was “You all can’t believe that he listens to Billy Idol.” I think it was a test of the subjunctive tense.

“(White City)” has the keyboards to go with the drum machine that the rest of the tracks have. Therefore, it sounds like a good song. Why these past two tracks are stuck in the middle of the album is beyond me.

“Nyet Spasiba” gives them a turkey as the third straight strike of a song. The track order is just ridiculously bad. I suppose with no checks and balances (the track listing) there was no motivation to put the good songs first. “Officer of Hearts” makes it four in a row. Really, what were they thinking?

The parenthetical songs are actually interludes, so that means I was not allowed to like “(White City)” as well as “(It’s Not Me It’s You).” It is clear that the lack of a track listing was premeditated, because that is why they put the titles in parentheses. I’m disappointed in you, Sub Pop.

“Thy Will Be Done” has an early 1980s feel, but it sounds mailed in. I bet when they play this live that it gets the crowd going and that everyone likes it.

CD art works, especially when your CD has no cover. I admit it. I fell for it. This is a four-track EP. “Pink Flamingoes” leads off. It is just serious enough that it can’t be silly, and it is just silly enough that it can’t be serious. I am completely missing the point of this song.

Why should it be silly, you ask? Because the CD is lime green, and there are caricatures of George W. Bush and Barack Obama (in a Superman outfit, no less) on it. “Tooth Decay” and “Delectable” are quite forgettable.

The only saving grace is the cover of “Tainted Love.” After hearing the first three tracks, it makes this sound passable.

Clever art gets your foot in the door, but when you’re selling home abortion kits to the Mormons, 20% more than zero is still zero.

Morrissey is 50! And his music style has finally reached the 1990s. Either that or he has found the Paxil. “Something Is Squeezing My Skull” has great hooks and artificially raises my expectations. It almost doesn’t sound like him.

The lyrics are mixed pretty high on this album, which is great when Morrissey has something to say. “I’m Throwing My Arms Around Paris” reminds me of Squeeze. I guess he isn’t always in the 1990s, then, but he definitely has embraced the post-grunge sound. There must be a cover of a Breeders song on here somewhere.

“All You Need Is Me” is a bit flat. Sometimes Morrissey tries to be a little too normal, and it’s just not fooling anyone. You don’t have to be depressed all the time, but you do need to have emotion in your songs.

“When I Last Spoke to Carol” has the same guitar as “Suedehead.” I guess when you have been around as long as he has, you’re bound to repeat some things.

Sleepy music here, like Mazzy Star or Innocence Mission. And her voice is almost that good too, especially on “Rosary.” Uniquely her own, it still inspires you to think of these other acts.

“Mary Come Alive” has a bit of an ’80s video game feel, but more in a serious RPG way than a goofy Sonic the Hedgehog title. The title track sounds a lot like “Rosary,” only with guitar to keep the beat.

“River of Dirt” is peppier with that same great voice. This is always tricky because a dreamy voice lends itself to the slow stuff, but it works. “Loner” has gothic-inspired music and screams to be compared with Cranes.

The rest of the album kind of runs together. There’s only so many ways to make Hamburger Helper, and Marissa Nadler’s options are a bit limited as well. Perhaps it would have been better as an EP, but there are still several gems here.

Ordinary isn’t the worst word to describe Company of Thieves. It has all the ingredients to make a fruitcake, but without love, it just tastes like fruitcake. (That’s an Archie Comics reference, by the way.)

“Oscar Wilde” stands out a little. There is a little more passion in the vocals here, and the music is a bit more spirited. But generally you’ve got a three-piece female-fronted rock band here. Like Arvydas Sabonis, they are a bit of a hobby spare.

My standards for Wind-up Records bands are pretty high. After all, Stretch Princess were on that label. Unfortunately, the 21st century has happened to Company of Thieves, and that makes it sound a little too modern for me. That might be good for you. If so, “Pressure” is a good song.

“Around the Block” sounds much better. Why can’t they do more like this? Very strong vocals and lyrics that mean something. “Even in the Dark” slows things down without making it boring. This sounds iike Club 8.

This album is backward. The end is so much better than the beginning. Tough it out, and you’ll be rewarded.

iTunes spells it “Dilema.” Shame, shame.

This local band has Eric Davis in it. Not the guy whose 1986 Donruss baseball card used to be worth several dollars but Randy Medeiros’ best friend. Then they realized that neither of them sings like Jennifer Valdez, so luckily they asked her to join them. And then Kevin McCarty and Kris Ayala got into the act. Onesheets are amazing.

This is an EP. The first track, “Captivate,” sounds like Pat Benatar. If you’re under 30, the band sounds like Evanescence. “Moons in Twilight” is second. It’s slower than the first song but otherwise sounds the same.

“Out of Focus” is much slower. It is the speed bump, in case you were joyriding through the album. “Along for the Ride” sounds like a Soundgarden ballad with a female singer. “Beauty of Truth” (“Beauty If Truth” in iTunes) sounds like a real ballad and is the song to play at your junior prom. It has prominent snare drums and not much else. It reminds me of “Loving You,” the song with “la la la la is easy because your beautiful” etc. in the lyrics. The Internet did not help me find who originally sang this.

“No Response” reminds me of “Tonight” by Smashing Pumpkins because it has the same doofy drumming, except it is during the verses instead of between them.